It was only recently that I said "I trust myself." In fact, it was on my last birthday. When I was little, I had the curiosity & carefree nature to "take chances, make mistakes & get messy" as Ms Frizzle from The Magic School Bus would say. I didn't think about the risk so much as how fun it would be to try something.
Were there failures, mistakes, and injuries? Of course there were, but the discoveries I made about myself and the world around me more than made up for any temporary repercussions. Why? I believed I could handle whatever happened after. Sometimes I would get in trouble, but I knew I'd be okay. Sometimes I got hurt, but I knew I'd heal. Sometimes I hurt other people without meaning to, but I knew I'd do my best in the moment to make it right.
So what happened?
Mistrust
Have you ever done something that lost the trust from your parents, friends, spouse, or even boss? It happens, it's okay (even though it may not be right), & it's part of how we learn.
It was only recently that I said "I trust myself."
Dictionary.com defines mistrust as "suspicion; a lack of confidence." Mistrust happens when needs are consistently not met with action. Hopefully we grew up learning that our caregiver will indeed meet our needs, but as we get older, we take on other people's expectations & beliefs of ourselves.
We're taught to feel guilt & shame around not meeting their view of us or who we should be. This misalignment of a sense of self and their perception of us causes feelings of anger, betrayal, and even abandonment both on ourselves and the other person.
How many of your needs are NOT met on a regular basis? How do you communicate your needs to yourself & others?
Are you making assumptions or have expectations for others to address your needs?
Guilt & Shame
Growing up I slowly stopped honouring myself and started trying to please everyone around me. I felt guilty for breaking the rules, I felt shame for not living up to someone's expectations of me in the moment.
...I slowly stopped honouring myself...
Guilt keeps us stuck when we can't see the lessons hidden behind the actions we took.
Shame is a self-evaluation that needs to be aligned with who we are, not what others think we are. Brené Brown is the leading expert on guilt & shame. I suggest you check out the video section on her website. You'll love her vulnerability & I just learned of her about a year ago. How do we learn to honour ourself? First, might I suggest reading a previous blog post about how we take on the weight of other people's thoughts and wear it as an amour all our own. The real you is under there.
Next, let's get into the ways we treat ourselves that create mistrust.
What expectations am I placing on myself?
Where do I regularly feel shame?
What do I feel guilty about when it comes to my business?
Fostering Habits of Self-Trust
I found a great article on Launch Box that lists 25 of the main ways we foster mistrust in an organization. Go ahead and check out their whole list. I've pulled out some of my favourites, added my own twist, and related them to ways we can develop better trust in ourselves:
Keep your promises, agreements, & commitments. There's nothing as solid as a pinky promise in the movies, but breaking a promise or commitment to yourself screams "I'm not worthy enough" and all those other "enough" statements that keep us held back.
Serve yourself & others consistently. Serving ourselves first helps prepare us to serve others better. Serving others is not just when we find it convenient, but in everything we do that is outside of ourselves. Building identity outside of ourselves gives our life more meaning.
Release control. Just because you can control your world doesn't mean you should. Controlling every detail, every task, & every interaction leaves you feeling empty & disconnected. Allow yourself to invite others into your space & share expression vs seeking perfection. You'll be freed up to gather momentum in other more aligned areas.
Live what you speak & practice what you teach. If you say your going to do something, do it. When you give advice to others, let it come from a place of understanding, not just knowing. Show your word has value & your actions back it up. Honour your values & priorities!
Own your actions. Whether you mess up or have some wins, you need to feel it, learn from it, and see your growth. If you make a mistake, allow the emotions & express them so you'll be clear enough to see the light in the darkness. When you have a win, allow yourself to feel the emotions & express them so you can acknowledge how badass you are. This also goes for skills, accomplishments, experiences, etc.
Allow vulnerability & authenticity. We are not rigid robots or forms of AI. We have emotion. We're imperfect. We aren't all the same & it's all very beautiful. Vulnerability & authenticity are not weaknesses. They're how we make connections, help others, and inspire change. Release the strict separation of parts of your life & make it all whole again. You are as you are, leave out the self-deprecation.
Ask for help when you need it. Knowing who you are, your preferences, and your limits will help you be more aware of when to ask for help and with the ease of actually asking. Life is not a solo journey, and no 1 person has everything they need all the time. Sometimes we just need accountability and other times we need someone to step into the mud with us to get unstuck.
Maintain healthy boundaries. To be honest, this is something I've had to learn a lot about in recent years. Stand up for yourself, don't let others walk all over you, teach people how you want to be treated by being clear on what's acceptable, and having overlapping layers for all sorts of facets of life. Underline them all with a series of personal standards that you never go below. Upgrade your standards as you grow.
Acknowledge, allow, and express emotion in a healthy way. If you haven't read the poem "The Guest House" by Rumi, I suggest you start there. All emotions are there to help you and have a message or a job to do. Find healthy ways to process and work through each of them as they come up without trying to hold onto some and shove others away. Validate yourself.
Practice curiosity in replace of judgement. This brings us full loop to last week's post about self-judgement. Judging others is just self-judgement in disguise. Take these underlying beliefs & be curious enough to see the pain or fear and what is causing them. Trust you have the resources to manage in any situation by allowing yourself to have the kindness, respect, and insight regardless of the outcome.
There are so many ways to nurture more self-trust. If you're looking for a quick mindful practice that will help you build trust by helping you identify what makes you feel comfortable, check out this 6-step process from Psychology Today.
Do I support the success of others?
What is my relationship with conflict?
Where do I place my blame outside myself?
All The Answers
I've learned so much over the years, especially after starting my business. The trauma demanded that I was to have all the answers in order to feel safe.
I've given myself permission to not have all the answers, because I can't be aware of everything at all times.
The leap into entrepreneurship had another set of demands telling me I needed to know everything to get started, that there was only the right way to do it, and that by using this one key system I'd be successful.
I trust in my character, values, & conviction to show up for myself & those in my communities.
I've since learned to hone in on what I'm good at, what feels more natural, what adds value, and what fills my cup so I can continue to serve that way I want to. There are NO right answers, just paths I have chosen & the ripple effects of my choices
My job is the same as yours: to do the best we can in the moment & trust that we have the ability & strength to handle anything that comes after it. I trust in my character, values, & conviction to show up for myself & those in my communities.
What character traits do I possess? What are my core values? When was the last time I showed up for myself?
What can you do right NOW that will help you build self-trust?
Share by using the hashtag #BEDMASlife.
Learn, Love, and keep your Momentum,
Laura Lake <3