Last week in our conversation about self-value & self-compassion, one of the benefits of practicing self-compassion was being able to shift our focus from judgement to kindness.
Judgement of ourselves and others can get us into a lot of trouble. When we close ourselves off to hearing beliefs that don't fully support our own, or react instead of respond, we get caught up in the easy habit of it all! Why is judgement a bad thing? (That's a judgement.) How do we make the switch?
What does kindness actually do for us in life & in business?
Good vs Bad
Judgement is "the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind" - Dictionary.com Our opinion is a personal thing that brings belief, view, and attitude together. Opinions are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Judgements are not facts, they can modify facts.
Judgements in and of themselves are neither good nor bad. When we modify facts with our perspective & circumstances, that's where we get into trouble. Now the judgement is subjective.
To make healthy judgements, make sure it's based on facts. Remember that unhelpful judgements are based on misguided fear or desire that have no business being evaluated or compared to unrelated things.
What thoughts come up when you look around the room?
Where are you placing guilt and shame?
What secondary thoughts come up in response?
Ex. Having followers with little-to-no sales is a fact for many early phase entrepreneurs. It's a situation that just is. Saying "that's just wrong," "they were lazy," "they have no idea what they're doing," or "the product or service must suck" is a judgement.
Making the Switch
Judgements work best when the evaluations are done with facts. How do we get these facts? Curiosity! If you follow me at all, you've almost definitely heard me talk about mindfulness. Curiosity is one of the foundational pieces to practicing mindfulness.
Jon Kabat-Zinn's (one of the people who helped bring mindfulness into the western medical system) definition of mindfulness is "paying attention, in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgement."
"Curiosity is one of the foundational pieces to practicing mindfulness."
The main intention is to anchor yourself into the present (usually using your breath), and to practice being the observer. The first mode of observation is letting go of thoughts. The second mode is curiosity of feelings.
Are you trying to change the reactive thought? Do you address the symptoms that come up when the thought does? What is the core belief causing these types of thoughts?
What uncomfortable feelings are attached to these core beliefs?
With the example above, we could say things like "What's their sales process?" "How do they write their message?" "Do they have anything to sell?" "What are their beliefs around money?" etc. Listening vs Judging You cannot be judgemental and curious at the same time, just like you cannot speak and truly listen at the same time. When you're busy evaluating, labelling, and crafting your answers, you're not being present or open, as you're busy trying to file all your thoughts or react based on emotion.
"Being present with someone helps them feel heard. No talking required."
When you're present with someone (including yourself), you leave all the facts on the table just as they are. You take the mental space & time needed to look at everything in front of you before crafting a response.
Being present with someone helps them feel heard. No talking required.
Crafting a response after thoughts have first been expressed increases your chances of the speaker feeling understood, therefore connecting with you AND more open to whatever it is you want to express. Sounds good, right? Ahh, yeah!
How much do I place labels on things? Am I listening to respond or understand? How can I help myself and others feel more heard?
Kindness
Kindness is our desire to help (benevolence), an awareness to the feelings of others (consideration & compassion), and providing a service to the desires of others (indulgence).
As we've said a few times so far on my blog... as entrepreneurs, we want our audience to know, like, & trust us so they will buy from us. As heart-centred entrepreneurs, we also desire the impact that happens when our products & services actually serve. Depending on your offer, your kindness, curiosity, & connection can be expressed in different ways. Low to moderate offers require more effort on your buyer getting to know YOU. Higher ticket offers require you getting to know THEM more, even before you've met them. How are you judging yourself & your audience now? How aware are you of what you're both feeling? What are the root intentions behind your desire to help? What impact would more curiosity and kindness play in your "know/like/trust" strategy? Listening & Attention
Listening is when you give attention by directing & concentrating the mind toward a person or object. We're minimizing the external and internal stimuli so we can gain clarity & awareness.
What does that mean? It means being fully present. It's a rare gift we give or receive, but when it's received, people can feel it deeply. There's little that feels quite as freeing.
Why?
We get to express ourselves and let it all out vs not feeling heard or understood and having to continue holding onto those emotions. IT'S EXHAUSTING!
As my husband likes to put it, it's the feeling of being able to "exhale." Each time you help your audience feel heard, they can "exhale" and let out some of that stress & tension they've been holding onto waiting for people like you to offer them what they need to move forward.
They need you to step up and serve them. You want to live an amazing life so you can show up and serve them even better! The change starts with you. Go be awesome & curious & kind. Love you all so much!
Where can YOU practice being more curious?
Share by using the hashtag #BEDMASlife.
Learn, Love, and keep your Momentum,
Laura Lake <3
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