When most people think of "self-care" they think of feminine focused activities that are all about pampering yourself in luxury. Behind the scenes is usually the idea that there's something wrong we need to fix or make better, and we have to earn the opportunity to distract ourselves or escape from daily life. THIS is one of my pet peeves. Why? Self-care is NOT about distracting ourselves to cope, just buying a relaxing experience, or forcing ourselves into doing expected things that are good for us. It's about taking care of ourselves...in a healthy way! The Myths
There are so many myths out there about self-care. From thinking there has to be something wrong with us, to it being a "girly" thing, to even the time and money required to practice it, there are beliefs that don't match up to truly caring for yourself. Some myths are that self-care is:
just pampering yourself or experiencing luxury
only needed if something is wrong with you
aiming for a better you, a new you, or that you need fixing
optional, extra, or not required in daily life
expensive, time consuming, requires many resources
feminine, just for women, but it's not lady like to think of yourself
distraction therapy, avoidance, ignoring thoughts for a while
anything that soothes, relaxes, or makes you feel better
something we have to earn based on accomplishments or phase of life
something we have to buy
selfish, it's me OR them
the same for everyone
something only you can do for yourself
being completely self-sufficient
"having" to do or "needing" to do something you "should" do
What these beliefs boil down to are a few simple things.
Self-care is SELFISH.
Self-care is RELAXING.
Self-care is DISTRACTION.
Self-care is EXTRA.
This may all be true until you look at what it means to practice self care. It's not about the actions themselves, but the intention behind the actions.
True Self-Care True self care is about doing the things you need to do (and hopefully want to do) that take care of your mind, body, and spirit. It's something we practice everyday as a way to nurture a sense of who we are, and how we manage ourselves. It's about taking control of our own health and wellbeing with a focus on ill-health prevention, & sustainable lifestyles.
"[True self-care is] about taking control of our own health and wellbeing with a focus on ill-health prevention, & sustainable lifestyles."
Dictionary.com (my favourite easy to spell resource) defines self-care as "care of the self without medical or other professional consultation."
Needing Others You're not in this by yourself, but you do have to learn to ask for help & be independent. This sounds like 2 different directions, but they're just 2 sides of the same journey. You don't have all the answers and neither do I. We can't find them all on the internet either. Asking for help is just saying "Hey, this is beyond my current capacity for building momentum and could use some support to get past the friction I'm facing." Obviously you wouldn't say it like that, but that's what's happening.
"[Being independent] just means we don't expect others to give us the things we need and we are in control of our own choices."
Being independent also doesn't mean you have all the answers. It just means we don't expect others to give us the things we need and we are in control of our own choices. We can indeed get answers and help from outside of ourselves, but it's not expected that someone will do it for us.
I really enjoyed this quote from Unimed Living that included external expectation: "Self-care brings a sense of ease and lightness to life, an awareness of the preciousness of who you are, and a knowing that you are cared for (without needing anyone else to do it for you)." - Unimed Living
Meeting Needs Take a look at some of the typical activities people use as "self-care":
bubble baths
spa days
watching tv
meal planning
exercise
meditation
drinking
playing video games
getting their hair done
getting out in nature
... and countless more...
Think about all the activities you do that you call "self-care." Ask yourself questions like:
Why am I doing them?
What do they do for me?
What needs am I trying to address?
Do they help me heal, grow, or self-manage in a healthy way?
Can they be used consistently without creating harm to myself or others?
Do they put things off or only focus on short term gain?
Do they support my goals for the desired future me I am trying to create?
There are no judgements here. All of the examples can be someone's version of healthy self-care because it's not just about the activity, it's about the intention and experience of the activity.
Meeting our needs is not always fun, easy, or something we want to do. There are going to be times that we have to go further into our pain to get out of it. Example: To heal from trauma you need to address the trauma, not avoid it or work around it. I don't think you'll ever find someone who went through immersion therapy and ever described it as "fun" or "easy." Myths vs Needs
Self-care is a part of our LIFESTYLE. You can't decide to look after yourself one day, then ignore your needs for the next 6 months and expect everything to be fine.
As such, let's take a look at the 4 main myths we mentioned earlier and how they fit into our healthy lifestyle. MYTH: Self-care is SELFISH Truth: When we look after ourselves properly and focus on holistic health of the mind, body, and spirit, we are strengthening our ability to interact with the world around us. We feel more whole, more complete, less broken, and less distracted. We're able to be present, allowing us to connect and respond better.
MYTH: Self-care is RELAXING. Truth: Relaxation is not the end goal, peace & joy are. Peace does not always come from relaxation. Sometimes it comes from chaos and resilience, working through the pain of an experience even when it would be easier to seek short term joy.
MYTH: Self-care is DISTRACTION. Truth: Shoving emotions, thoughts, and experiences down for another day only prolongs the suffering. Each effort of distraction constantly takes away effort from the things you find important. These constant efforts create road blocks in your subconscious that rob you of opportunity, motivation, luck, and success (all the things you beg for) because you're too busy holding things back and worrying about how it all might come out.
MYTH: Self-care is EXTRA. Truth: How good do you feel when your basic needs like food and water are met? How does it affect your life when you feel you are safe, like you belong, are useful, and that you matter? Is honoring yourself not necessary? Are meeting your needs optional? We don't need to spend a bunch of time, money, or excessive effort on maintaining ourselves. It's the consistent self-management that give us the energy & nourishment to pursue greater things. We don't need to add a bunch of tasks either, just reorganize how we do what we already put effort into. There's no extra, just alignment.
What are your favourite self-care activities and how do they support your wellbeing?
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Learn, Love, and keep your Momentum, Laura Lake <3 Facebook.com/LauraLakeDesigns